Challenge Completed...sort of

Here is the post where I write about summiting Pike’s Peak. It’s not the post I had imagined in my head. I’m not going to write a quirky recounting of the difficult journey and how intense the trail was. I’m not going to explain a metaphor about how even when our journey with Christ is impossibly hard, the end result is worth it. I’m not even going to mention the donuts at the top.

Ok maybe I’ll mention the donuts at some point.

What I am going to write about is worship and how my heart went astray and worshiped the wrong thing.

The idea to summit Pike’s Peak has been in the back of my mind for years but the plan to actually do it began to fully form in the summer of 2018 when I was pregnant. I talked about it with a friend and decided it would be the perfect post-pregnancy motivation to drop the baby weight and accomplish something big. I worked out while pregnant with this in mind, but it wasn’t until I was 6 weeks postpartum and cleared to start working out again that training really began. That was at the end of January and the hike was scheduled for July 13th.

I trained for MONTHS! I planned my days around when I could get to the gym. I forced myself to go when I desperately didn’t want to. And when I didn’t go? Oh man the guilt trip I put myself through…

And then it happened. I summited Pike’s Peak. It was hard. It was a 10 hour mental game from start to finish. Maybe one day I’ll write about it in detail. I could write about pushing through the pain for the ultimate goal. I could write about the indescribable joy I had when I saw my husband and ran (limped) into his embrace and my mind instantly went to the ultimate union in heaven when we’ve finished the ultimate race and see our Savior.

But right now, I’d like to write about what happened after I summited Pike’s Peak.

I fell into a deep pit of depression and despair.

Childbirth aside, I had just accomplished the biggest physical feat of my life. I did it! And I had never felt emptier. I had gravely misplaced my worship and was now seeing the results.

I had gone about this all wrong. I set so much worship on this day – I exalted every work out. I rejoiced at every pound shed. I reveled in the accomplishment by my own efforts and my own strength. I set my worship at the top of a mountain and when I started my descent, the worthlessness of it all crushed me.

It took me weeks to work this out. Why was I so down? Shouldn’t I be happy? Pike’s Peak isn’t a bad thing. Having a goal isn’t wrong. I did something amazing, shouldn’t I feel amazing?

The past couple of years, God has brought me through a long and intensive season of sanctification. From my view, the season isn’t over yet. There have been countless moments where God has used significant things in my life to reveal significant sin in my heart. Pike’s Peak wasn’t immune to his hand.

Since summiting, God has shown me how easily I misplace my worship. He has confirmed John Calvin’s quote that our hearts are idol factories. He has opened my eyes to my mistakes and, by his grace, is using the fallout to help me reflect him more each day.

There was nothing inherently wrong about setting this goal and accomplishing it. It was, overall, a wonderful experience. But at the end of the day I was using it to find validation. I was using it to find worth. I was using it to prove to myself and everyone else that I am still me, even after having a baby. But, what I know in my head and what I’m learning in my heart is that there really isn’t anything in this world that can give me any of that.

My worth is not in my jean size or my fourteener count. It’s in Jesus. My validation is not in accomplishing a goal but in the work of the cross. My identity is not in who I was pre-baby or who I’ve become post-baby but it’s rooted in who I am in Christ.

Praise God for his mercy and grace. As I said before, he has used many things in my life these past couple of years to help me reflect him more. This one was a doozy.

His work in me is not done, nor will it be until I reach heaven. But there is one thing I’m sure of – when I do finish this race set before me, the result of seeing my Savior face to face? There won’t be any let down whatsoever and my heart will finally be free to worship fully and forever.

P.S. The donuts were amazing. Worth 10 hours of hiking, but probably just as good after an hour’s drive to the top ;)