When Motherhood is Lonely

We knew something was off when my daughter put herself to bed. We had friends over and all of the kids were playing together, having a blast. We noticed it had gotten a little quieter, so I went into our daughter’s room to check on everyone. Even though her friends were still playing with toys, Selah had climbed into her bed and was trying to go to sleep. At 6:00pm. VERY out of character.

Our friends left soon after and we tried to figure out what was going on. She was a little warm at that point but nothing too concerning. So we let her go to sleep and checked on her a couple of hours later. She was burning up. The fever held on through most of the night and carried over to the next day, never high enough to warrant an ER trip, but enough to make our high-spirited little girl turn into a pitiful snuggle bug.

And then the blisters showed up. Her hands showed them first, then her feet, then her mouth. We immediately called our friends to let them know she had hand/foot/mouth and had likely passed it on (which, I’m sorry to say, we had…sorry guys…you know who you are).

And then, we stayed in our home for 3 weeks. Not because that’s how long Selah had it, but because right after hers had cleared up, Micah caught it. Thankfully, they weren’t terrible cases, but we couldn’t take our children anywhere until they weren’t contagious anymore.

And I’ll tell you something, those three weeks almost broke me down. I realize that quarantining isn’t a new concept these days, but for some reason, this one hit harder. I felt so isolated with my sick babies and longed to be back in our routine and amongst our friends. Really, it revealed to me a deeper issue I’ve been battling ever since I made the transition to being a stay-at-home-mom.

Motherhood can be extremely lonely.

The heightened sense of loneliness I felt during this particular sick season was a result of me not being able to receive the emotional and spiritual support I needed. We had no playdates, no library trips, no other grown-ups for me to interact with. But even after my children got better and we returned to the land of the living, I noticed the loneliness never really left.

It was still there in the chaotic moments when my kids were melting down and I just wanted someone else to step in and take over. It was there when my toddler needed discipline and I had tried everything and just feel totally defeated. It was there in the middle of the night when my son needed to eat again and I was the only one who could help. It was there when I tried to make dinner and soothe a stubbed toe and make sure my son didn’t fall as he toddled around and tried to get some dishes put away all at the same time.

Maybe you feel this way too? Maybe you’re in this season of littles like me and your heart is silently crying out in the middle of the chaos. Maybe your kids don’t need you as much as they used to and it hurts, but you don’t know who to talk to about it. Maybe your children have long since left the nest and there is a part of you that feels like it’s missing.

Regardless of what stage of motherhood you are in, I am willing to bet you understand what I’m talking about. I’ve talked to so many moms recently, my own included, about this feeling and it seems to be universal. Moms with older kids are quick to remember this season and reveal the loneliness they walked through. Moms with younger kids are visibly relieved to hear someone else is also going through these isolating feelings. We are all going through it to some degree.

So what do we do? How do we handle the loneliness in motherhood?

We cling to Christ. Our Savior is the source of every comfort we are longing for. He is the strength we need when we are weak, he holds the grace we need in our mistakes, and he gives us the rest we need when we are weary. Unfortunately, it is ridiculously easy to forget he’s with us. When we are in the thick of it, we shift our focus from our Savior and focus it on the mess in front of us. It’s all we can see. It feels like it’s just us in that moment and it’s overwhelming. But these feelings, this misplaced focus, does not negate the truth of his constant presence with us.

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

When my children and I weren’t able to leave our home, God was with me. In the middle of the night when I’m feeding my son, he’s with me. When the days stretch out longer than I thought possible, he’s with me.

The idea of being clung to is an easy one for me to picture at the moment. My son clings to me all the time these days. He recently learned to walk and is not 100% stable yet so he falls a lot. I am usually hovering close by, ready to catch him before he faceplants onto our floor. Whenever he starts to lose his balance, he instinctively reaches out to grab me. He knows I’m there, he knows he’s falling, so he reaches out for my help. That’s exactly what we need to do with Christ when loneliness starts to pull us under. We know he’s there. We know we’re falling. Let’s reach out to him for help.

We must run to Christ as our refuge. There are lots of refuges we can run to when loneliness hits. My personal vice is social media. I start to scroll and find it’s hard to stop. I step into the lives of other people and escape my own chaos for a moment. But this refuge doesn’t last. The moment I step away from social media, the loneliness returns, stronger than it was before. Others may run to a girl’s night, others may run to “me time”, still others may run to TV or books. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, but none of them are meant to be a refuge for our souls to find the comfort we crave.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
    for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
    my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your heart before him;
    God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

We must seek the community of our Christian sisters. When I first started working through this thought, I spoke to some older moms at my church. When I explained what I was feeling, I mentioned how isolating it could feel and they both responded, “YES!” They knew how challenging it could be and were eager to share the practical tips that helped them through the little years and remind me of the gospel truths that sustained them.

If you are like me and have young children in the home, I am willing to bet there is a mom in your church who has older children and has walked through this season already. This is what is so wonderful about the local church - it is a constant cycle of discipleship opportunities. Seek out moms who are older than you are. Ask for their advice. Ask for prayer and help when needed.

But remember, this beautiful cycle doesn’t end with you or me. Rather, as you receive comfort and support from this community and as you are reminded of the hope we have in Christ, share that hope with others.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2

“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4

Shoot a text of encouragement to another young mom friend. Set up a play date. Share your struggles with loneliness with others and point each other back to Christ. Be intentional to do life with the Christian sisters God has put in your life. There will be seasons where you’re drowning and in need of more help and other seasons where you can be a huge encouragement to another. There will also be seasons where you’re a little bit of both. Building this community takes time, it takes intention, and it bears the sweetest fruit. God designed his church to edify his children. Don’t miss out on that blessing.

You are not alone in your loneliness, sister. No matter how strongly you may feel it, no matter how strongly I may feel, we are not alone. The trenches of the little years, the turmoil of teenagers, the quietness of an empty nest, all of these seasons are hard. But we are not alone in them. God has not forsaken us. He is with us in every single moment. He has called us to every single moment. Run to him, cling to him, rest in him. Let your lonely heart find peace in the one who called you to this season in the first place.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. Psalm 145:18-19